9:30pm. It’s full-dark outside, stars and moon hidden by looming banks of nimbostratus. Snow falls thick and cold, erasing my footprints almost as fast as I can make them. Each trip from the large animal barn to the clinic means breaking a new path and the jeans I threw on without thinking are saturated, freezing into stiff peaks around my calves. My toes are numb. We’re just finishing up, dotting i’s and crossing t’s and my mind is only half paying attention to my clean-up, the other half on home and hot showers and heated blankets, a cat who patiently lets me bury frozen fingers into his belly fur until I can feel again.
I parked about a ten-minute walk away from the clinic in order to meet my vet and with the weather sweeping down a windchill of -19C she kindly offers me a lift to my vehicle. I take it gladly; I’ve made that walk once today already and even with the loan of a toque and gloves there’s no way I’m willingly doing it again. She fires up the truck and I hop in before her, clearing the seat of her bag so I can huddle deep against the vents. She laughs a little as I toss her bag into the back; “Sorry–” which I wave off because god knows my vehicle in winter becomes a spare home, front seat full of whatever miscellany I don’t feel like humping through drifts to my front door, and– “Did you eat?” It throws me off for a moment but then I remember she called me back around dinner time, that we’ve been together a while now. “I brought some snacks in my bag…a melon, some chips…”
A melon? She laughs again. “I was being prepared. Figured I could cut it up and eat it inside.” Wry half-smile as the engine roars and we pull away, “That didn’t happen.” I bury my own grin in the collar of my winter jacket. For some reason that image stays with me the rest of the night; a cloth shopping bag resting on the passenger seat of the big white truck, headlights carving through white drifts, the round curves of a melon nestled against a half-open bag of chips. A little piece of the tropics sliding through the Northern nights. A taste like beaches and margaritas and blue sky hiding beneath the unbroken rind. A talisman of the sun.
I don’t have a melon, but I have my own preparations for a long night. My passenger seat carries a change of scrubs for those times I’ve dared to wear nice clothes around town before being called in. My glove compartment contains an old stethoscopes and a slipleash, my back seat houses an empty cat kennel. My bag is always stocked with peppermints and gum to disguise coffee breath, change enough to swing through a drive-through to stock up on said coffee. There are pens squirreled away everywhere. The center console guards a solitary (and at this point, frozen) protein bar. My pockets bulge with scrap paper. My car charger tangles with the cord from my wall charger, half-under the seat but ready at a moment’s notice.
Less tangibly, a small zippered pocket in my wallet hides a pendant on a gold chain. A Macedonian coin, Apollo on one side and a mounted youth on the other. Ἄπλουν. Apollo Acestor who was healer, physician, Apollon Musegetes who led the Muses and called forth poetry. Guardian of herds and bringer of truths. My superstitions are the superstitions of any who work in medicine: don’t say that it’s quiet. Don’t tempt fate, but the one I hold close to my heart is the warmth of that pendant against my palm and the reminder that this life is the life I chose and that which I love. Each morning my fingers graze over it and each call sees it pulled out and pressed briefly to my lips, warmed by my breath in a silent prayer. Not for everything to go well. Not for everything to live — I know better than to ask for what I can’t have. But for guidance and calm, for knowledge, for the opportunity to learn, for the chance to offer peace. It hasn’t let me down yet.
11:24pm. It’s still dark outside, although the moon is making a determined effort to be seen through cracks in the cloud cover. I’m checking my bag before I go to bed, making sure that if the phone calls me out of my sleep I’ll be ready to roll out from under the covers and go. The mints are there, and the scattering of loose change. My car keys, my thick leather gloves, a few pens and pieces of paper. My mind is already on the warm embrace of my duvet as my fingers automatically pull the zipper of my wallet open and pull out the coin. It’s cool in my fingers. I roll it back and forth between my palms until it warms to the temperature of my skin, tarnished metal glinting in the lamplight. And I think of a solitary melon on the front seat of a truck, a little piece of normalcy in the strangeness of our world like a link to home. A reminder of the sun.
11:26pm: I brush my lips to the face of Phoebus Apollo, bringer of light, and taste the sweetness of sun-warmed fruit behind my tongue.
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